Yesterday I Heard the Rain

Yesterday I easily danced on the stars… one foot landing steadily on the next destination while still in mid flight from last step. Yesterday I was powerful. Or, was that really yesterday and not just an illusion or trick of my mind? Can one be sure? The simple minded fellow will argue the point yes or no. The philosopher will examine the merits and meaning of the question. The scientist will try to quantify the question and establish methods for proving his theory. But the one in love just smiles and is grateful to have had a yesterday and today with her lover and believes there is hope for a bright tomorrow.

Today I have no power. I arose with hopes and expectations. By mid morning I knew that none of them would be fulfilled today… maybe never. Yesterday I poured out my heart and my soul yet made a regretful mistake while speaking. I spoke of a new realization… a new found depth of love in my heart. But this is a tragic mistake when two hearts are ablaze over flames of truth. "Why wasn't this disclosed earlier?" was asked. I had no answer, only the feelings that flowed from my innermost self – and the sudden realization that I should not have spoken of it at all. For my explanation was insufficient to satisfy. Instead of feeling exuberant, I withered.

Today, I waited… by the sea, I walked and listened to the Mistral winds carry the voices of those that had passed this way ages ago. They call to me as they sweep by, urging me to accompany them on their rudderless journey. I kept walking, waiting, waiting to hear one special voice whisper my name. But no call was forthcoming.

How do these things play out? Who knows the end of the road before the middle is traveled? The one who has traveled the road before? If it was traveled exactly the same way then, yes perhaps. Can that happen for me? I think not, because I've never traveled this road before with this heavy heart.

Tonight I cannot bear the hurt. I am cut straight away by my own absurd actions and unrealistic expectations. I feel like I've played the fool "come come fool… sing and dance for us tonight for we need entertainment.. you posses such wealth of skill to entertain us… come now… relieve us from our boredom… till the night and wine bear us off to sleep".  The familiar chants from my past emerge suddenly. I thought they had passed into the abyss, but they surface again, facing me here in the autumnal winds, taunting me to remember my sins, my frailty, my fears, my weaknesses.

Tomorrow I will awake and smile at the sunrise. I will have learned from my mistakes of yesterday and today.

Tomorrow. What will tomorrow actually bring? I must wait to find out if it brings pain or pleasure, or worse; nothing.

Tomorrow… god, will you give me another tomorrow?